Whither and Why: Wish you were where?
From the audio recordings of Gerald Honk Esq.
I’ve been making the most of the current good weather by going through the garden with my new set of dibbers, trellis hooks and cloches. It then was just such a day that, while I was scrubbing the pea guard, my wife Lillian approached me with the morning post. She wore a sort of half-smirk that might also have passed for a warning to a potential mugger.
It was a short wait to discover the source her intimations were alluding to for a postcard lay second from top, splitting the deck with its garish colour like a hippy in a battle line. It was of course a missive from my good friend, the Byronic bounder and bachannalian boarhound wrangler, Sir Hilary Harrison Nairn.
Nairn had recently gotten married to a delightful young actress called Samantha Humbleton-Holtby and was honeymooning in goodness knows where. What follows is an account of the flurry of salutations that arrived at my door and in the order one received them, their dates attached.
June 18th 2013
“Honk, We probably missed your call but we’ve finally arrived old thing, the journey has been a long and difficult one I can assure you so we’re looking to grab a nap before we explore the town and settle on a Taverna to dine at. Samantha is a hardy soul and tolerated the travel mishap superbly. Hope you are well. Nairn”
June 20th 2013
“Dear Honk, the beaches are divine! There are hardly any waves to speak of, just warm, calm waters. They don’t have skittles on sale in our local hyper market. Samantha says this might help cure my sugar addiction and prevent me from behaving like a dipstick! Hope you are well. Nairn”
June 16th 2013
“Honk! The plane company have lost my trousers! Be a gallant lad and telephone the Embassy in Mozambique for me would you? Nairn.
ps We’re meant to be in Greece. Wrong flight I think.”
June 19th 2013
“Hi Ho Honk! First full day today. Had some positively gorge’ nosh at Taverna Kapperelli and we were treated to a fiery table dance by one of the waiters. Very energetic display. Nairn”
July 1st 2013
“[water stained, smudged and illegible]…nderwater, failed to… [illegible]… pumped the thing for hours with Ioannis’ assis…[ illegible]… doubt you can read this with all the smudges. Nai[water stained, smudged and illegible]
June 24th 2013
“Honker, Was a little confused today. Sourced a new place to buy sweets from. The wine gums (made with real wine) were scanned. “A ferrets toe” said the lady. “Wine gums” says I. She gets up and retrieves a second packet, scans them and repeats “A ferrets toe”. Baffled, I repeat “wine gums” but she just gets up and gets another packet. On and on this goes and each time she gets more from the shelf and scans them. I am now the owner of 42 packets of wine gums. Nairn”
July 2nd 2013
“Dearest Gerry, Darling, one has had to send Hilary home early. He’s made a frightful foul up with Daddy’s new yacht and it’s ruined, dreadfully ruined and currently partly submerged in the harbour. He just went too fast and thought it had a brake… Daddy’s still aboard plugging the hole. Hilary is most embarrassed and will need looking after so keep an eye on him until I get back. Really, really wish you were here, Sam H-H-H-N”
June 28th 2013
“Honkleton, splendid news is afoot! Samantha’s parents are in the area on their posh new yatch. As you know, their time at sea has prevented them from learning about our marriage but Samantha has managed to get through to them and they are delighted! We’ll be going aboard for a party within the next two days. I hope I get to show Mr. Humbleton-Holtby my skills with a ship!
Wish me luck! Nairn”
So that was that; a mad and worrying tale of a honeymoon gone Nairn. I’ll patiently await his return.
Whither and Why would stress “A Ferrets Toe” is the pronunciation of “thank you” in Greek and
that it is not wise to confuse “Kali Mera” (Good Morning) with Kalamari (Squid).